Reintroductions

Allow me to reintroduce myself:
I’ve been away for a while (an obscene while) but I also never left ya’ll. Hi Im Ntoetse, I trade in personal essays and silly whimsy, this is my creative outlet and because I’m 31 now and here’s 31 things to know about me (by way of reintroduction).

1. I can’t eat naartjies in the dark. TLDR: I have a wildly irrational worm phobia, I haven’t recovered from the one time I ate a naartjie in primary school and came face-to-face with with a worm halfway towards my mouth. I must now SEE all naartjies I eat them (also, I LOVE naartjies 😂)

2. I hate orange sweets. All of them. Yes even that one. It’s a no from me.

3. I’m a sappy sap and my gooey marshmallow centre is one my favorite features. I hate that putting on a tough demeanour is necessary to do life but we move (I’m not talking about resilience and toughness).

4. Brunch is my favourite meal of the day. Breakfasy food is the best. All day breakfast places are doing the Lord’s work.

5. I know I’m sad, overwhelmed and/or burnt out (often all 3)when I can’t finish a large mug of tea. The reason is irrelevant because it’s either from moving around too much to sit still long enough or because I’m overwhelmed or because I’m passing out before I can finish it. A secondary sign is when I stop taking bubble baths. More than 2 weeks  without a bubble bath is Sinister behaviour. Things I read in the bath? My book obsession of the week, poetry collections and British Vogue (If you come to my house, my you’ll see the bottom edge of all my Vogue magazines are a little water weary. Idc idc idc).

6. I love solo travel the most. A girls trip feeds my soul and a baecation makes me glow (I’m rarely prettier than when I’m in love) but I positively BLOOM when I’m relaxed, content and outside (Alone). Either way, travel wins (and I’m the winner here).

7. In a shocking discovery: I cannot drink alcohol when I’m heartbroken. I KNOW (so unfair). My appetite for any and all liquor vanishes.

8. Don’t ask questions if you randomly see me in a movie. Just come back to this (and buy a ticket 😘).

9. My grandmother is the love of my life.

10. Friendship is my favourite relationship type: all good relationships can also ve friendships (one could argue that they must be in order to succeed). It’s amazing: you pick a stranger and you’re doing life together.

11. I’m a Paeds Registrar now. I’ve chosen the children and the children have chosen me. There are several layers to this but my interest in the tiny humans is both intellectual and spiritual (one of my gifts is a connection with Innocents). Also: I was a child who loved children and now the innocents are mine by process of deduction. Physician – adults=paeds (Paeds pathology is awesome, unique and varied). Also learning about healing children is a path we’re all on in one way or another. It’s painful and rewarding and I wouldn’t do anything else (except at 2am when all hell is breaking loose: then I would gladly do anything else).

12.I can rant about anything. ANYTHING. Last month I ranted about renal physiology (and more specifically phosphate). I know, it’s a talent 😂

13.ATT Calling all paternal half siblings and Lost cousins: we are not our parents. We should organise a family reunion of some kind. It should be fun!

14. I’m discovering my visual gifts: I enjoy creating but also directing (creative directing if you will). I’d like to explore that someday soon. I’m quite pleased with how my amateur photography is going and playing with clothes and decorating is a part of that.

15.I hate being stood up. Cancelled plans make my brain itch in an uncomfortable way I’m struggling to describe. I’m not inflexible per se. It’s not just the inconvenience and indignation: it short circuits my wiring. I literally have a mini meltdown in my head (I don’t actually do it because I’m an adult but it makes me want to throw a full blown tantrum complete with foot stomping and kicking but like, on the inside, which is just as unpleasant). It’s deeply unpleasant for me. Other things that make my brain itch: there are whole movie theatres I no longer visit because their slushy texture is wrong. In summary: Please cancel plans timeously and courteously (I’m fully aware that “life happens”). Please and Thank you. PS: I’ve never once claimed to be neurotypical (but I prefer the term “weird Black Black girl😉).

16. My favorite physical features (on me) are: my brain,smile legs, laugh and breasts. In that order😉.

17. It’s come to my attention that Spiderman is my favorite superhero. I’m sorry Batman, for literal decades: I thought it was you. DC has let me down many times over but even they have yet to truly f*ck up Batman. Thank God.

18. I’m loyal and kind and worthy of all the good things coming my way. I like who I am, who I’ve become AND who I’m becoming. That’s rare air I’m grateful to breath.

19.This blog is one of the my favourite things. It represents a a safe playground for my creative child. A deliberate holding of space of my inner artist. And no: I will not monetise it. It means it belongs entirely to me.

20.Buttercups have usurped sunflowers as my favourite flowers (I know, I’m shocked)! I still adore those golden sun worshippers and given that buttercups only appear at my local florist for about 2 weeks a YEAR, they’re still my fav year round.

21. Words are magic. Literal incantations that call things to life. Language, literature, poetry. Ugh, inject it in my veins.

22. .My Life mantras are poems (top 5):
“we must risk delight” by Jack Gilbert (literally tattooed on my arm and fun fact the actual poems name is A Brief for the Defense)
“Desidetata” by Max Erhmann
“Go to the limits of your longing” by Rainer Maria Rilke
“the words have changed me, i am so soft with scars my skin breathes and beats stars” from Salt by Naayirah Waheed
“For Women who are difficult to love” by vintage Warsan Shire.

23. I can’t lie to myself in writing. Once I put it down in ink (in this case metaphorically) lies fall away. It’s always why I avoid writing when there’s something I’m trying to keep from myself.

24. One of the most painful arguments of my my whole entire life included me yelling that i literally have to understand children’s neurodevelopment for a living (and reminding him that neglected children are a reality of my day-to-day). His casual assertion that my job made me automatic neglectful mother (to future children I hadn’t even decided I wanted with him) still echo in my head sometimes and make me want to close up shop and adandon the concept of men altogether.

25. Thankfully, I’m an optimist. Who believers in trusting in love one more time. Like Miss Maya said: always one more time.

26. But don’t play in my face gents, I’m not scared to be alone. More importantly, I don’t believe anyone should do life alone, I’m certainly not. Single is not alone so you can’t threaten me because I believe in community above everything. My soapbox about platonic intimacy is a whole entire sungenre of this blog. And yes #FriendshipLoveLetters are making a comeback. Soon. I have 2 in the pipeline.

27. The second most painful conversation of my life was when I told one of my best friends I’d fallen in love with him. Knowing that it changed nothing (that’s actually not true, it changed everything and I’m grateful I did it. I don’t have to live with regret and that’s freeing). For the record: it’s been literal years, and I’m fine.

28. I think when big life life shifts happen: the colour of your life changes. Moving houses, changing jobs, significant relationships: everything looks different when these things happen. Does that make sense?

29. My favourite personal essay to date is my mediation on vulnerability: Dreams & Condradictions.

30. My favourite blog feature is the Artist Spotlight (#Travelbug is a close second). #FriendshipLoveLetters are thing I’m most proud of. It’s important to me that the people I love know how much I love them and that they’ve changed my life.

31. Being a giant nerd who takes intense deep dives into any and all art is my superpower.  It makes the best use of my wiring and brings me a great deal of immense joy. I had a mini meltdown watching Dennis Villenueve talk about childhood storyboards he made for Dune (and conversation Dune is having with  GoT and TLOR is a reminder that inspiration is not theft and lends credence to what Nnkea J always says: “it’s been done before, it’s never been done by you”) . The secondhand pride I feel for the British artist Raye is unspeakable (she’s worked so hard for so long that watching her blow up over the past year has been intensely wonderful). I spent a fortnight falling down an Eminem rabbit hole recently and I found myself weeping during Hailie’s podcast because our favourite tortured White boy finally did what he’d promised to do: raise his daughter. She’s sweet and normal and engaged. Marshall Mathers won.

*32: Bonus point: tiny desk concerts are still the best thing on the Internet. Thank you NPR!

OK, that’s me right now. Thank you for reading along on this labour of love, this corner of creative joy , this writing practice. As always, tell your friends about me (and tell me about you 🥰).